What the world needs now.

I haven't quite finished my "cream of the crop" in happiness series. I got a little side tracked thinking about wanting a new house, but I'm moving on! Today, I'd like to talk about the L word. LOVE. Not just passionate love, but the unconditional kind that encompasses everything. We love our pets, our spouses, our parents, children, movies, books, food etc., you name it. What about complete and utter love for ourselves? What about complete love for everyone on the planet, including people you can't even stand to look at? Wouldn't life be fuller lived if we loved everyone unconditionally instead of holding on to anger and resentment?

I read in a book that we should learn to be Love philanthropists and not Love beggars. Which means, learn to have so much love inside your being that you have limitless amounts to give away without ever losing any yourself. Don't go begging to people, hands out stretched, asking "will you love me if I'm thin? will you love me if I'm beautiful? will you love me if I make a lot of money?". I love this idea! It shouldn't matter whether we get compliments or complaints from other people, they are only making projections of how they feel at the moment, and often I find it doesn't have much to do with me at all. We don't have to beg to be loved if we are already filled with love.

Love is indicated to be the most powerful positive emotion we have, but of course the day I want to write about loving everyone is the day I find it the most hard. Kid's these days right? We love our kids so very, very, much, but sometimes I feel like they just making everything so difficult it's hard to remember WHY we love them. I don't think perfect love means you never get angry and you suppress everything, just that at the core you love them without condition. My kids may throw fits that make me feel insane in the brain but I still love them no matter how they act or don't act. To have even more love in your life you can shift this unconditional love for your kids or spouse to people you don't even know, and then eventually, to people you don't even like.

One way to do this is to wish people well (silently unless you want to get looks). In my head while sitting at the dinosaur museum I silently wish another mom sitting next to me "May you be safe, may you be physically happy, may you be mentally happy, may you have well being". The woman who almost clips my car in the Walmart parking lot? First I say some jerk reaction choice words but I bring it back to "may you be safe, may you be physically happy, may you be mentally happy, may you have well being". Direct this phrase, first to yourself, then slowly to people you love, then people you don't know, then people you actively don't like. I'm still on the "people you don't know" phase myself. The weirdest thing is, the more you wish people well, the more you will feel well yourself. Just try it! You can do it anywhere and anytime. It's so easy.

Try it for one day... say, THIS day, and get back to me how it made you feel. You don't have to try to evoke any special feelings- just say the phrase slowly and carefully, mentally directed at one person fully at a time. You can even spend the entire day directing it towards yourself. In fact it might take several weeks or months for each phase, but for a trial run you can direct it to anyone to see how it feels, then go back and do it more slowly. Let me know what you think!

Janae

Mythical

The myth of MORE and the myth of WHEN. Do you ever get stuck in these never ending myth vortex's? The myth that "I will be happy when I have MORE stuff", and "I will be happy WHEN things go my way". What happens when you get that toy or that promotion? Think back to the last time you longed for something and the planets aligned to give you that very thing. How long did it make you happy? For me this "thing" is usually clothes, they're my weakness, my little lovely's. That perfect pair of pants that simultaneously lift your butt and suck in your thigh's, or that shirt that's so deceptively simple but makes you look like you suddenly went from B's to C's. Researchers say that "things" make you happy for about 3 days. Then you return to your happiness set point. It never adds to your overall happiness.

Back up, what is a "happiness set point"? Researchers say that everyone has what is called this happiness set point. It's sort of like a thermostat of happiness and it's set so that you always come back to a certain level. Like if you set you're thermostat to 65, your house air control will heat or cool the house until it get's back to about this range. Maybe it will get a few degree's hotter or cooler but it's always trying to reach the set point. So here's the fun part, researchers have also found that you can raise your happiness set point. Not with thing's or when's, but how things are, right now.

You can find all of this information and much more in the book Happy for No Reason by Marci Shimoff. I heart this book. I rarely say I heart things, but this book I do, I really, really do. It's one of my top 5 books towards greater happiness. Now I haven't read every book out there, but I've read about 20 books on this subject and I'm going to be giving you the fabulous 5 at the top of my list, of which, this is one.

The problem with things and when is, if you think about it, to have a happy life, you will somehow need to string together a constant parade of getting things and making things go your way. That sounds pretty exhausting and disappointing to me. You're pegging your fulfillment of life on external circumstances and people who will probably never live up to your standards. Marci Shimoff explains it like this: It's like a necklace that you are stringing beads on. If the string you are using is already happy, then you can put any color bead on it you want. Be it a new car, loss of a loved one, a job promotion, a vacation etc, your core is happy even though you are experiencing anger, love, sadness or whatever.

I've seen this very thing in myself with houses I've lived in. The first house I lived in being a married adult was a tiny run down half a step up from being in a trailer park. I often thought, "wow, I've got to get out of here, I'll be so much happier!" When we finally moved to a hip apartment in Salt Lake we were over joyed. It was so clean! It had a fire place! It had a pool! Oh glory of glories! About 6 months later I felt the same about that apartment as I did about the first house. Rent was being raised! the thing was tiny! No yard! 3 flights of steps hauling my baby and car seat up and down! Oh, I would be so happy if we lived in a house! We finally bought our current house and I was so happy. For about 6 months until I was wanting the next biggest and baddest thing. Then the housing market absolutely bottomed out, and I was forced to change my attitude of "I'll be happy when we get a bigger house". When I look back, I was always already happy in every house I've lived in. I just liked that high of getting in the bigger and nicer house which only lasted about 6 months. And let me tell you, this constant wanting drives my husband up a wall. The best thing about my house now isn't the paint on the walls or the number of beds/baths. It's my friends in the neighborhood and my kid's friends. I've got such a good thing going here that money didn't buy and money can't take away.

So next time you find yourself thinking, "I'll be happy when..." or "I'll be happy with more..." Stop and take a look around. I think you'll find you're already somewhat happy with at least some things in your life. Focus on those things and appreciate them everyday, this is one of the ways you can raise your happiness set points from the inside out.

Peace out.

Janae

Let's get physical!

All this talk about how to be more mentally happy warrants some talk about how to be physically happy too. Think of it like a house. Each foundation wall represents a different aspect on how to be happier. Let's say there are 4 walls; Physical, Mental, Emotional, and Social. If there's a roof on our imaginary house we'll call it spiritual. If, even one wall is sagging and dilapidated then that house would not be a very pleasant place to live. Even if every other wall is healthy and strong would you buy a house that has a wall completely rotting away?

It also works in reverse. If you have a wall (or area in your life) that is sagging, making the other walls as strong and upright as you can, can pull the lagging wall up with it. Maybe not ALL the way up, but vastly improved. Make any sense? I'm of course talking about diet and exercise! No no no, don't click away to the next blog yet! I know, diet and exercise, blah blah blah. What else new would I have to say about it? Well, nothing really. Many people much smarter and with much more experience have paved the way for that. I'm going to talk about our attitude towards physical health.

I read an MSNBC article once that said Americans are very all or nothing people. We have some of the hardest working people in the world and some of the laziest. Some of the thinnest and some of the fattest. The most moral and the very immoral. etc. Now whether you agree or not with their assessment I happen to feel it's true for myself on an individual basis. If I can't lose 10 pounds in the first week of an exercise plan I give up, and eat a box of Oreo's.

I've really had to change my attitude about exercising. Exercising just to be more healthy and happy doesn't sound very motivating but it really is! When I'm completely wrapped up in diet and exercise for self image's sake alone I tend to push myself as hard as I can and get it all perfect for about two weeks until I can't take it anymore and binge in front of the T.V.... And eat a box of Oreo's.

When I remind myself to treat my body nice to be more healthy it goes more like this. I work out about 2 - 3 times a week. Whenever I feel like it, never on the same schedule. I add more fruits and veggies and eat more salads. Now here's the kicker, when I fall off the plan I don't beat myself up and, well, eat a box of Oreo's. I have a couple Oreo's, and then just try again next week. I don't freak out and loath myself in my closet, rubbing those soft size 2 jeans on my face that I bought to motivate me to lose a gazillion pounds! Not that I ever did that... ahem. Anyway, the point is when you stop setting unrealistic goals and then putting yourself down that you didn't achieve them, you'll find you stick to your plan much easier. Go ahead, take a bite of cake. You deserve it! So you only went for 1 walk this week. Who cares! Studies show that people who have compassion for themselves stick to their diet and exercise plans for waaaaaayyy longer than people who give up and sink into depression. Stop yelling at yourself and you'll find you feel like exercising more and eating less crap all on your own.

That's been my experience. I do Yoga about twice a week. Do I have rippling muscles? Am I a size 2? Have you seen me? But I've stuck with Yoga for.... drum roll please. Over one year straight. Find something that works for you and set a realistic goal that you can stick with. I've been adding Jillean Michaels 30 day shred to my mix, but only once a week. I know Jillean would cuss in my face if she heard that, but it's something I can sustain and feel good about. I'm not 400 pounds Jillean! Stop yelling at me! Okay, she get's in my head sometimes, it's over now.

So next time you hop on the hamster wheel of diet and exercise, whatever it might be, just have a little compassion for yourself. Don't focus so much on bikini's and hot pants, focus more on being happy and releasing some endorphins. Focus first, on keeping your house of happiness in balance and the rest will follow. I should probably go practice what I preach right now before Jillean starts up again.

Janae

Ranting and Raving

I have a wonderful new post all planned out but instead, I need to get something off my chest. I HATE house cleaning. I mean, I really HATE it. I know, I know, no one likes it, but it just has to be done right?

I guess this ties into my blog, in that a lot of my negativity in life revolves around the state of my cluttered home. Sad. I am forever apologizing to anyone who will listen that it is so "messy". To which all of my friends kind heartedly wave their hands in a dismissing way and make sympathetic; non- committing noises. Everyone, it seems to me, apologizes profusely for "the mess", even if it's made up of 2 dishes in the sink, while the rest of the house lies in a scrupulously scrubbed paradise. I feel like I'm stuck in a never ending cycle of cleaning and mentally yelling at myself for not getting more cleaning done. It's never good enough! And even if I can get it looking half way decent my 2 and 5 year old quickly take care of any area they might have not yet destroyed.

At what point in our history did houses stop being houses and start becoming art that you live, cook, bathe, and sleep in? Every wall must be adorned with beautiful well thought out pictures, toys should never be seen, clothes should always be hung in an organized and pleasing to the eye closet. Furniture is no longer furniture but large abstract puzzle pieces that must all match each other and compliment the room.

Okay, don't get me wrong, I really want my house to be clean and hygienic as well as a pleasant environment that my family and I actually want to be in. It's the self castigating for not having everything "perfect" at all times and under all situations that get's me down. Know the feeling? The harder I work the more there is to do, and just when I get on top of the laundry there's another 6 loads waiting for me.

My particular brand of happiness is two fold, reduction of stress and negativity (notice I said reduction, and not eradication) coupled with layering on more positivity. So if most of my daily negativity revolves around my house, it makes sense to me to try to reduce that stress. I've been thinking a lot about how I can do this and I've come up with a few ideas.

Number 1. Stop putting myself down for not having a perfect house! How odd that my self esteem should be tied to how beautiful the architecture I'm living in is.

Number 2. Stop saying I'm sorry. If I was really sorry, I would work night and day to correct the situation. I do the very best that I can everyday so why am I sorry about that?

Number 3. Make the job more pleasant. For me this is listening to music or audio books. I love audio books!

Number 4. Seek help. Why do I have to do it all myself? Should I be less proud if I didn't do 100% of it? Why can't husbands and kids help? Also, I'm not adverse to the idea of paying someone to help me. Cleaning maids are soooo expensive, but I well remember the days of being 12-15 years old and yearning for a little spending cash. Possibly there is such a person in my neighborhood who wouldn't mind vacuuming once a month for less than minimum wage? If someone did come in to help clean regularly I don't think I would work any less, I would just have a cleaner house which equals less being upset with myself. Win!

Number 5. Blog about my loathing of scrubbing poo out of toilets for a living for sympathy and support. Done.

I just had to get that out there. Something about winter makes me crazy over home chores. Throw in one part cabin fever, one part loss of motivation due to constant cloud cover, and fill the rest of the way up with never being able to leave the house because of sub zero temperatures and you've got a recipe for an episode of Hoarders.

Thank you for listening to my mad, mad ravings. Down with the institution of home perfectionism!

Janae