positive psychology

Good morning! I hope everyone had an enjoyable holiday. I know we did, lot's of family and friends and child avarice. Good times were had all around.

Today I thought I would talk a bit about the new and exciting field of Positive Psychology. It's sort of the core behind everything I've been researching and writing about. Psychology has been around for, what, a couple hundred years? And in that time therapists and counselors have had many hits and misses, but overall, have become very adept at helping people with emotional problems. However, emotional researchers have noticed that psychologists had sort of created a disease model.

Let's say that you are rating your happiness level on a scale of 1-10. 1 being very unhappy, and 10 being over joyed. Now, a clinically depressed person is probably somewhere in the negatives. Traditional psychology can help people go from, let's say a -7 to a 1. That's a vast improvement! But who would say they are cured by being a 1? Positive psychology centers on bringing people from a 1 up to a 9 or even a 10.

Martin Seligman is considered to be the "father" of positive psychology, and it's very new. Pioneered in the mid 90's, it's mission is to help clinical psychologists make the world a happier place, parallel to the way they have been making the world a less unhappy place. So here's the exciting part; because it's so new, we can all hitch a ride on the train as it's pulling out of the station. Cheesy metaphor, I know, but the first try was worse so be patient with me here. These emotional researchers are still fumbling in the dark a bit. Like a heat seeking missile, that continually targets mistakes and continually corrects itself until it finds the true target. We all can help them along. You can actually sign up to be in a clinical trial or just do your own experiments and chart for yourself how it makes you feel. You have nothing to lose and only happiness to gain.

http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/Default.aspx

I haven't signed up to be in any professional trials, I like to stay on the side of doing experiments on myself, but I have definitely seen improvements, both in myself, and how I interact with people. Sometimes those changes are so small and gradual I don't see them for a long time but it's comforting to know that any change at all towards more happiness is possible!

So try some of these experiments with me. You and I will be at the for-front of a completely new field of research. You don't need a fancy PhD., or a white lab coat to help, you just need your feelings and an intention to turn the volume up on your own life. Many of the things I suggest to try come from positive psychology's research "hits", which have been thoroughly analyzed and studied through many trials and re-trials. These next few posts are the "cream of the crop" from research so far, that has found the most vast improvements in people.

I'll talk to you next year!

Janae

The Grinch

I heard this little story in my book "happy for no reason" and thought it very appropriate for today. I get a little misty eye'd every time I hear it. Nothing brings out the material girl in all of us like Christmas, and it's especially horrifying when your sweet little kids suddenly turn into greedy little monsters. So here's an uplifting little story on how one little girl was happy on Christmas.

When my oldest daughter Victoria was almost 3, we read "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" to her every night before the holiday. She'd curl up to me as I read, "every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot". She listened intently as the Grinch unveils his plan to steal Christmas from the Who's. The Grinch dresses up like Santa and sneaks into the Who's homes and steals every present and every decoration, leaving only hooks and wires on the walls. The Grinch is surprised when the who's are happy on Christmas morning even without their presents. "He hadn't stopped Christmas from coming, it came just the same". On that Christmas morning we awoke just before Victoria so we could watch her 3 year old enthusiasm to see all her presents under the tree. My wife, then pregnant with our second child, and I beamed to see her wide eye'd excitement at the thought that Santa himself had been in our home. We expected her to dive into them, but she didn't. She held up her little hand and said "stop!". Let's pretend. Let's pretend the Grinch has been here and stole everything and left just hooks and wires and we'd still be happy!". So we stopped - and were happy.

And like the Grinch my heart grew 3 sizes that day.

Happy holidays everyone!

Janae

Mantra's

What in the world is a Mantra? you might be asking. Well, dictionary .com was no help in defining it so I'm going to give you the best explanation I can think of. Here goes: A mantra is a word or phrase that you say over and over to yourself (usually in meditation) to better your mind. But you don't have to do it in meditation per say if that's not your thing. Although, I think meditation is great and I will be expounding it's attributes in a later post.

I was talking to a friend recently when she was having a bad day. Like, a really bad day. One of those wonderful days where you fee like you can do nothing right, everyone hates you, and life in general sucks. We all have them! The weird thing was, I always thought of this friend as someone who is always upbeat and laughing and could care less what anyone thought of her. I often think, I need to be more like Rhoda! That's not her real name but let's just call her that for the purpose of anonymity. Then Rhoda said something that I think get's to the heart of all of life's problems. She said "Yes, I act happy around other people, and a lot of the time I AM happy. But it's when I'm alone that the darkness creeps in ". Okay, she didn't say anything about darkness, that's just me waxing poetic, but the point is I totally agree with her. It's what you tell yourself when you are alone that counts. During most of the day we have so many things to keep us busy and focused. Kids need to get to school, bills need to be paid, work needs to be done etc. But what things do you tell yourself, about yourself, when the lights go out?

A lot of the times, I bet, we beat ourselves up emotionally. Why aren't I perfect? Why is my house always a mess? Why can't I do this? Why can't I be better? What the Hell is wrong with me!? Okay, relax. Take a deep breath. And listen up, because I have something to tell you that might just blow you away. Ready?

Not everything you think, is true.

That's right. In fact, it's probably a good idea to start adopting some litigation skills to use against your very own brain. When a thought arises that's negative about yourself, challenge it! Just because you thought it, does not mean that it is the be all to end all! Argue with yourself for heavens sake! Bring in witnesses and evidence (in your mind) if you must. You will find that "the truth" about yourself is not as dire as you thought.

Which brings us back to Mantra's. Now that you have challenged your own beliefs about yourself, and hopefully you will continue to do so, how about telling yourself something nice? How about saying: I am a nice person, I am intelligent, I am funny, I am strong! "wait, hold the phone" you might be thinking." Just because I tell myself I am intelligent does not mean I will suddenly be able to perform complicated physics!" Oh contrare my friend. Because guess what. Everything that you are at this very moment is because you told yourself you could or couldn't do this or be that. The idea behind Mantra's is that if you tell yourself that you are a certain way many times, eventually your brain will accept it as truth. And why not? your brain has accepted everything else you have told it you are.

So here's how to use a mantra. First, find something that you would like to change about yourself, or something that you want to do but told yourself you couldn't. For example: since I have anxiety, I like to tell myself, "I am so happy and grateful, now that I am mentally free". Always begin your phrase with I AM. This is the most powerful sentence in the English language. I AM. Don't say I wish I was, or someday I would like to be... say, I am THAT now. If your Mantra states that you will be this way in the future then it will stay that way. In the future. Remember, when you tell yourself negative things you don't say "I hope someday I will be a loser" you usually say "Man, I am such a loser". I AM! So turn the tide. Say, I AM beautiful! I AM wonderful! I AM amazing! Because you are!

Second, keep it short. As short as possible. You will get so sick of repeating a phone book of things that you are. And you won't remember half of it and the exercise will be pointless. haha.

Third. Say it over and over. And over. And over again. My books say 80 times is a comfortable amount. You can say it more, but I find 80 is actually quite a bit for me so I stay there most of the time.

So there you have it. You can create your own personal Mantra or use ones already pre-formed. Like, "every day, in every way, I am better and better". It's pretty general but I find I like this one very much. It comes from a French psychologist whose name I can neither spell nor pronounce, who lived in the early 1900's. He discovered this method, although I don't think he called it a Mantra (which, by the way, is a Buddhist term) but it's really the same concept. And he used it to very great success. I repeat this one when I'm falling asleep and waking up, 80 times if I can make it that far, and I feel a huge difference when I forget to say it.

When you find you are giving yourself an emotional thrashing, stop, and bring up your Mantra. Don't be discouraged if it doesn't work right away, just keep going and going. Remember you have been telling yourself the negative things for years and years and it might take that much time for the positive things to take hold. If you can, say it over and over again for no reason at all. This is treating yourself lovingly.

Look in the mirror and say "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and Gosh darnit! People like me!"

Love and Kindness to you all

Janae

Why be happy?

Still giving out "awards" and keeping up on your gratitude journal? I know I am and it feels awesome!

So now that I have given you a few things to get you started let's talk about WHY being positive and happy is so gosh darn important!

First, let's talk about why negativity is important. We all can guess why negativity is so important, right? It keeps us safe. Emotional researchers say that we have probably been conditioned this way through evolution. The caveman (or cavewoman) who scanned their environment for potential threats and then felt negative emotions the most intense, were able to react. Thus, our ancestors that had the most adrenaline rush at the sight of a saber-toothed tiger lived long enough to pro-create. Fun stuff, huh! But today in our modern world, fear serves us less and less. Scanning our environment for negative things makes survival harder, not easier.

When I first heard this I thought "no! it's still important to be on the lookout for bad things! if I don't, I won't be prepared when they happen! I have to imagine what bad things will happen so I can think about how to best react!". Then I read something that changed how I felt about negative scanning. In Martin E. P. Seligmens book "Authentic Happiness". He poses this question. If you are constantly on the lookout for negativity (for example you are worried you might get sick) are you really more prepared if it does come into reality? Martin says the truth is no matter how much you think about it, you have no idea how you would really react to something until you're in it. He even did extensive controlled studies where he proves that people who think negatively, always on guard, are actually less resilient to adversity and give up easier. Man! So, wondering what I would do, if, per say, I got cancer makes me less prepared not more. Negativity has it's place when threat is real and imminent. It can cause you to act appropriately. But wondering about every scenario and what you can do it about it is pretty futile.

So now that we know about negativity and it's place, what about Positivity? In our modern life there is almost nothing that positivity can't make even better, if not save all together.

1. Positivity feels good. And when we feel good we are better at everything we do! Athletes perform better, Sales people sell more, kids do better in school etc. There's studies upon studies as well as personal accounts you can read to back this all up.
2. 90% of diseases stem from stress. Shall I say that again? 90% of diseases stem from stress. When you go to the Dr. and he says avoid stress at all cost until you're better, he's not joking. But reduction of stress is only half the story. You have feel the good feelings too! You can't feel stress and gratitude at the same time now can you?
3. Positivity broadens our minds from Me and I, to We and Us. And from Us and Them to Everyone. This is based on work done by Barbara Fredrickson in her book "Positivity". You begin to view the world as your family and treat them as such. That's the kind of world I want to live in!
4. Happy people live longer, and with better quality of life. (The Nun Study)
5. Positive people are infinitely better at problem solving. This is also based on work by Barbara Fredrickson. so the next time you have that impossible problem at work, get up and walk over to a co-worker and tell a few jokes! Just laugh and laugh until your sides hurt, then come back to your problem and see if it's really all that impossible now. You will definitely feel more open to solutions instead of what the problem is.
6. People who are positive get more promotions and more pay raises. I always thought people who had more money were happier, but maybe it's the other way around. Maybe people who have more money, have more because they were already happy! So be grateful for all that you have right this very second and let it show. Higher ups will definitely notice.
7. Positive people are more resilient. One of the only things we can count on in life is the consistency of change. Sometimes things will change for the better, sometimes for the worse. But if you have already learned how to be habitually happy you won't feel the roller coaster of life as acutely. Good things will happen and you will be able to think "that's awesome! but I was already happy." And when adversity strikes you'll be able to think "that sucks, but I'm still a happy on the inside". You can choose to be happy no matter what!
8. Marriages are more likely to succeed when couples think more positive things about their spouse than negative. At about a 5/1 ratio. This is based on work by John Gottman, a marriage counselor in the for-front of his field who can predict which couples will stay together by 95% accuracy! http://www.gottman.com/

I could add more and more to this list but I think I covered some of the major ones. Who wouldn't want this? Do you know anyone who wants to make less money, have failed marriages and feel all around crappy? I don't. Not only is positive thinking good for you personally, I feel like it's our social duty. This is one of the many reasons I started a blog on happiness. To get the word out! Not only do I need to work more on my own positivity I want to let others know why they should be to. Why we all should try to be happy for no reason at all.

Love you all!

Janae

P.S. today I'm grateful for a friend who told me a year ago, what the crap a blog is and why it would be fun to have one. You know who you are girlie, and thanks a million!

HAPPY Holidays!

E's very first Christmas present.

The holidays are in full swing! There's so many things I love about this time of year, the people who go crazy with the house lights that you can see from space, burning my gingerbread and sugar cookie Scentsy scents in the house, putting my favorite ornaments on my tree, going to fancy Christmas parties where I get to put on makeup and wear an actual cocktail dress!

But let's not forget all that holiday stress. You know what I'm talking about. The never ending lists upon lists of what to do and what to buy, re-budgeting the finances every other day to make sure you get every dollar to count, baking, shopping, family pictures... and lets not forget you have to make it all look effortless and with you and the fam looking gorgeous. Yikes!

Some stress is definitely good. It helps us reach our goals and feel that sense of accomplishment. There's just something about this time of year that can get me really down as well as excited. And too much stress, is definitely bad. Too much constant stress can raise your blood pressure, interrupt sleeping patterns, cause headaches and make you more susceptible to colds as well as a myriad of other things. So I've compiled a list of things that help me keep peace on earth as well as in my mind this time of year. Here it is.

#1. Christmas will not be "perfect". In fact, forget that word all together! The holidays will be glorious and amazing and wonderful! But, it will not be perfect, no matter how hard you try. Why? because you can't control other people or circumstances. You can carefully plan out and execute every detail, but your spouse could wake up with the flu on Christmas morning puking all over the place. What you CAN control is you and how you feel, which will make all the difference in the world.

#2. Keep it simple. One of my biggest stresses is neighborhood gifts. I love my neighbors to death and I want to show them how awesome I think they are by making elaborate home made gifts! right?

I was just talking to a friend about how this little thing, "neighbor gifts", can suck you into making dozens of complicated little doo hicky's or treats with teeth gritted at 2 o'clock in the morning with an insane, manic look in you eye. My friend was saying how although she was already getting a little stressed over the holiday rush she was going to make these reindeer treats with chocolate dipped pretzels for the antlers, and I recounted to her how I made white chocolate covered apple snowmen that took forever and then blew up on my family last year. Why? we asked each other. I still don't know exactly why. All I know is this year, I bought some lovely little gifts that were inexpensive and thoughtful. Done. If crafting and baking is your joy and you can't wait to share it with everyone then by all means please do! Chances are I might get some. heehee. Just remember to keep it simple, and if you find you are not enjoying yourself, then stop and get your butt over to the dollar store! No one will know!

#3. Give. I know times are tight all around, but giving even just a little bit raises my happiness level like no other. Every time I throw my change into the salvation army bucket I smile, and I can't wait to stuff a stocking for a local family in need at my daughters pre-school. I was brought to tears reading the list of things this family needs. Toothpaste, soap, toothbrushes, lifesavers etc. Such little things. There are so many opportunities to give this time of year. Tons of retailers are doing food can drives, churches offer many charity opportunities, the Road home usually does some sort of drive with a local radio station on the streets of Salt Lake and more.

http://www.theroadhome.org/ Here's the link if you live here in Utah.

#4. Have boundaries. Know when to say no! This is particularly hard for me, I always want to perpetually please everyone and say yes to everything. So practice saying "NO" before hand if you know someone is going to ask you to do something that you really can't handle.

#5. Last but not least, Breathe! I'll have more on breathing in a later post but for now I'll give you the basics. You might be thinking "duh! I know how to breathe Janae! I'm alive aren't I?" but there's a big difference between the breathing we automatically do every day and breathing for the purpose of relaxation. Many hospitals have adopted this technique to help the chronically ill deal with the strain of living in constant pain with great success. Some even attribute their healing to how well they learned how to relax with breathing. If they can benefit from it, just think what it can do for you!

http://healthmad.com/health/health-benefits-of-deep-breathing/

http://eurheartj.oxfordjournals.org/content/8/11/1210.short

So here's how. Lay down or sit when you have a quiet moment. Rest your hand on your stomach and breath in slowly. When you breathe in you want to try and breathe from your diaphragm and expand it. You should feel your stomach (not your chest) rise slightly. Breathe in through your nose and then slowly blow it out your mouth. You always want to breathe out longer then you breathe in or you'll get dizzy. I like to count it out to really slow down my breathing and get all that good oxygen enriching my brain and muscles. Like this:

Breathing in 1. 2. 3. 4.

Out 1. 2. 3. 4.

In 1.2. 3. 4

Out 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

In 1. 2. 3. 4.

Out 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

In 1. 2. 3. 4.

Out 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7.

In 1. 2. 3. 4.

Out 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8.

Close your eyes if you can and imagine your body getting more relaxed with each exhale. You can also think words to yourself to help calm you like breathing in "peace" and breathing out "relax" whatever works for you. Do this as often as you want and it only takes a few seconds. I do it in the car ( with eye's open obviously), in the bathroom with the door closed, in the shower and at night in bed before going to sleep. I can't even begin to explain how this can calm you in just a few seconds. I will be doing this technique the rest of my life come Hell or high water, not just at Christmas, it's that awesome.

So if you find yourself completely flustered shopping with all the kids, stop and take a moment for you. Right there in the store. No one looking at you will know. Just stop and breathe and you will be able to return to the job at hand a little calmer and probably with a higher IQ (because anger can lower your IQ by as much as 40 points). On your way to that company party with the scary boss you want to slather with your rapier whit and charm? Breathe. Standing in line to return a gift? That's right Breath. Even if you feel you're a pretty easy going person who's rarely stressed, breathing like this can make you feel even better!

So there it is. My personal "prescription" for keeping the holidays merry and bright. Oh, and get your shopping done early! Well, remember that one for next year. I would love to hear from you, things you personally do to keep the season positive and joyful. I can always use more tips!

Peace and Joy,

Janae

Sincerity Counts

Allrighty then, been giving out your awards? Good! keep it going! Remember we are trying to form new habits here. It's not always easy to break free from the old ones, just do what your mother always told you. Practice practice practice!(my mom was a piano teacher, thanks mom!)

But before we embark on our quest for happiness there's something important I need you to keep in mind for the whole journey.

SINCERITY COUNTS.

I'm going to describe to you 2 made-up mornings that I might actually experience on any given day. You tell me which one is better...

I wake up to the sound of my kids screaming for me in their beds. I think to myself, "wow, I am so lucky that my children have such healthy voices!" I swoop out of bed and into my 2 year olds room where he has already had a dirty diaper, which has spilled all over him and the crib. "This is such a wonderful opportunity for me to wash all his bed clothes and get him in the bath early!" I think. Next, I take the kids downstairs to find the dog has gone through the garbage and eaten some raw meat, made a huge mess, then yacked all over the floor. "Oh, poor Aiden. I hope he's feeling better now. I'm so glad we have such a wonderful family dog." Next, I flip on the news to hear the latest on an awful government that is repressing and killing it's own people in the streets. I think "what a concise and organized account the news reporter is giving! And just look at that camera crew, they are keeping the camera so steady with all that gunfire going on around them."

Okay, did you throw up a little in your mouth? I sure did. Thinking positively does not mean repressing the negative or covering up reality. You might need to let a curse go under your breath to find a huge, disgusting, unexpected mess for you to clean up. Or feel anger for the worlds injustices.

Enter sincerity... Now of course I don't have a catastrophe filled morning like the previous one every morning, that was to prove a point. Here is a more normal morning with a little sincerity.

I wake up to my kids laughing and playing in the baby's crib. My 4 year old comes in and quietly says, "mommy it's time to get up". I think how lucky I am that my kids will play together in the mornings to give me a few extra minutes of sleep. I take them downstairs where they start crying for their sippy cups of warm milk. I try to think of a positive way to get them to calmly and politely ask me for milk. I feel this is an opportunity for me to help them to learn to get the things that they want out of life from other people. I hold the milk out for them but don't give it until they have said in a normal voice "please, can I have some milk mommy?" where I immediately reward them with their milk. Then I see a black widow crawling up behind my 2 year olds legs. Many choice words come to mind and are probably screamed aloud. I HATE spiders! I really, really hate them! I grab little G out of the way and then fine a very large glass bowl to throw over it until someone can come over to kill the stupid thing. Last, we go downstairs to watch some cartoons. I think "I am so grateful for educational cartoons that my kids like. I get a minute to blog while they are learning." My daughter, lets call her "E", says "mommy! look! that Argentinisauras is helping the vilasorapters!" She's so smart. :)

Which one did you like better? Hopefully the later.

Human beings are excellent masters in detecting B.S. Both in others and in ourselves. We respond more to people who are genuine, open, and real. We want to cultivate sincerity throughout all of our positive thoughts and experiences. In fact, if you try to change all of your negative thoughts into purely positive ones and repress everything, you might as well go ahead and sign yourself up for that stomach ulcer surgery. So find things what works for you to help your happiness grow. If you find yourself stuffing down the bad feelings, take a moment to let yourself feel them. Really feel them. Then accept them as a genuine part of yourself and do not judge yourself for feeling the way you do. I sometimes say to myself, "hey anxiety, there you are. I love you because you're a part of me. Lets sit here for a bit and just hang out together." Then I let it go. No stewing, no pity party, no fighting, just accepting and being.

"What we resist, persists" Carl Jung (1875-1961)

Here is your new assignment for the week and one I know will help you get a feel for your sincerity. A grateful journal. I also wrote this on my family blog once so let your eyes go out of focus and imagine fluffy pink elephant clouds if you've already heard this. I'm not grateful for everything. No sir. Definitely not spiders. But my list of things I am grateful for far, far outweigh the things I'm not. And those are the things I'd rather dwell on. So for 2 weeks, as often as you can, write down all the things you are grateful for. Then after that, only write in it sporadically. Only when you feel genuinely inspired by something. Not everyone is grateful for the same things. But you must write them down! Seeing it on paper and being able to go back and read things from previous days will also lift you. I promise you. It does for me! Keep a list on your cell phone, keep a notebook in your kitchen, whatever you can manage easily. Then let the magic happen.

Here's wishing you a wonderful, gratitude filled day. :) I'm thankful for you all!

Don't worry, be happy!

"Don't worry, Be happy!" Oh if only it were that simple! I've told myself time after time to stop worrying and just be happy. Guess where that's gotten me. Thats right, almost nowhere! However, there is hope. So much hope!

When I first started experiencing anxiety and depression almost a year ago I decided I wasn't going to hide in my house and suffer in silence. I opened up to as many friends and neighbors as I could and found that many of them empathized; they were not the happiest housewives either. This baffled me! We all professed loudly that we loved our husbands and our children and that we loved making a home for our families. Don't get me wrong, we absolutely do! But I was also hearing stories of woe and inner longing and my heart reached out to them. I knew what that was like!

I discovered a statistic in my research that says the population in America that is most prone to depression is women in their 20's and early 30's. Add to that a stay at home mom and that statistic goes up. 1 in 5 women are on anti-depressants. I have absolutely nothing against medication, but I feel it controls the symptoms instead of curing the problem. Please use medication if you feel it will help you, and speak openly to your doctor about it.

The good news is, no matter who you are, or your level of happiness right now, you can turn it all around! You can actually learn how to be more happy despite your current circumstances, weight, height, background or genetic makeup. The research I've read says that genetic makeup does contribute to your inclination towards sadness and depression, but only 50%. That a glass half full/empty statistic, but I find it very promising. Growing up my mother always told me, "oh Janae, you just have a chemical imbalance. Your whole family has it in some form or another and we all use medication for it". I am so uplifted to know that, that is not entirely true. In fact, more research has shown that the positive thinking habits you learn can actually start changing your DNA towards more happiness!

I want to share all of the books I've read and the research I've done to help others as well as myself. But also, I want others to share they're "happiness habits" with us. So please feel free to comment if you have something that works to help your happiness soar. I will leave you with a "happiness habit" that I recently discovered that is easy to do anytime and anywhere. Give awards out to people in your mind. For example, I was at the dollar store last night where a teenage cashier greeted me warmly and genuinely with a big smile full of braces. She even struck up a conversation with me. She won my "nicest sales person" award for the day. You can make up as many categories as you want. The sky is the limit! More examples I've used are: Best behaved kid I've met today award, nicest fellow driver award, Most beautiful clouds award, Most beautiful building award. This might sound silly at first, but just try it. This simple exercise will help you to start looking at what is right with the world and your surroundings, instead of what is wrong. I know I often find myself thinking of what is wrong with everything! Try it out and please let me know how it has helped you feel.

On a side note, if you are grappling with a serious mental illness of any kind, please see your doctor or a therapist. Do not use these techniques in place of professional help. You can always use these with your Therapists okay.

Have a wonderful day!